Last week, an anonymous letter ran in the Letters to the Editor section of another paper for which I write.  It was from a breast cancer survivor who asked that we respect the privacy of cancer sufferers and survivors who may not wish to share their situation with the "public," and I thought this was an important issue to address further.  I spoke with the author of this letter (at her request) to help understand her perspective so that I could represent her fairly.  In her letter she stated, "the personal questions and opinions of others were only intensifying my fear....I did not want to look back and retell the sad personal parts of this journey over and over again."  Answering questions about her symptoms, diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis was getting in the way of her ability to hope for a positive outcome.

In this world of reality television, 24/7 media coverage, E True Hollywood Stories, and, frankly, columns like mine, there has been a blurring of boundaries between what is public and what is private. Sometimes people forget that not everybody wants to share their life, especially when it involves a difficult situation with far-reaching implications.  Cancer sufferers are but one group within this category.  Consider also divorcing couples, troubled children, victims of tragedies like 9/11, families who have lost a child or parent to accident or suicide, or individuals who have experienced legal issues or financial struggles, just to name a few others.

While there are always some who gain a feeling of power or superiority through information and gossip, I do believe most people have good intentions and want to provide support to others.  The reality is that it is hard to know what to say when somebody tells you that they have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or have lost somebody close to them, or are faced with some other terrible misfortune.  When we hear such news, it is natural to want to discuss it, to be curious about the details, to want the whole story, perhaps to prevent our own families from suffering the same fate.  We may ask too much in an effort to understand, or we may say too little, appearing uncaring when actually we are just cautious of misspeaking.

Sometimes we may cross a line by assuming we understand the feelings of the sufferer, e.g. "You must be so scared...so confused...so overwhelmed."  Even if we are right on target, they may not want to be reminded and naming such emotions may flood them with those negative, frightening feelings again.

Sometimes we may cross a line by asking children how their parents are doing, without knowing how much information the children have or how they are handling the crisis.

Sometimes (dare I say "often") we may cross a line by discussing the situation with a friend or friends, perhaps not always representing the sufferer or the situation as they are, and forgetting that the sufferer may not have chosen to spread the word in that way.

I know I have been guilty of crossing some of these boundaries and also of shutting down, especially as I struggle to find the right words beyond "I am so sorry you have to go through this."  So I asked the letter writer what she had wanted to hear when she decided to share her news with a select few.  What would convey sympathy but not exude hopelessness?  What could show they cared without asking too much?

Rebecca Martorella is a Marriage and Family Therapist and author of "Tales from the Mom Front: The Misadventures of a First-Time Mom." She can be reached at RebeccaM@LivingInHarmonyCenter.com.
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