How does one say good-bye to a loved one? At what moment does one accept the reality of the inevitable? I remember thinking that if I lost my father; I couldn’t go on living and certainly never dreamed I would lose him at the young age of 64. He had experienced some health issues but nothing life threatening. He became gravely ill suddenly and one doctor completely misread his symptoms. When he didn’t show the improvement we were told to expect, I rushed him to the emergency room. From the moment we entered those doors it was a 4 ½ week desperate struggle against a staph infection that destroyed his platelets and eventually all his vital organs. In that time, so much was done to and for him; it was a blur of white coats and machines whose sights and sounds were forever burned into my memory. When my mom, my brother and I were faced with the decision to take him off life support, I thought my heart would literally burst inside of me, it hurt so bad.

I had spent nearly 24/7 with him from the very first day and I will never forget the night he was moved to a private room after the ventilator was removed. I was told it would probably be only hours, and not to expect any sign of recognition or response. The CT scan showed extensive brain damage due to bleeds. For 3 more days, I sat with him, slept beside him on a cot and prayed for a miracle. Although he did recognize my voice and called for and spoke to me, mostly he just moaned and begged for God to take him. Due to complete renal failure, his body had swelled to nearly double its normal size. Everything that could possibly have been done to save him had been done. My beloved Daddy was slipping away from me and I couldn’t tell him good-bye. I could only tell him over and over how much I loved him. In the early morning hours of one of many sleepless nights, I wrote this letter. The morning he slipped away from me, I was holding his hand; it was peaceful and quiet. I kissed him and went home to my family.

AS YOU LAY DYING 

How do I express a lifetime of love
on a piece of paper?

The laughter and tears we shared

The look that warmed my heart
and wiped away the hurts.

You called me the light of your life
and for most of my life,
you were my inspiration.

You said we shared one heart
and mine bled for you.

Your grief was mine, your lifetime
of unfulfilled dreams
are my sorrow.

The bond between us will survive
through all eternity. 

You gave me love Daddy,
it’ll be with me always.

Death cannot take you from me,
love does not die.

I’ll sit here with you and I’ll
be strong.

Soon you will find peace,
and I pray with all my heart
that you’ll follow your dream…

To do the work in Heaven
you couldn’t do on earth.

I’ll miss you Daddy, please
don’t go too far away.

Be happy at last, take with you
the knowledge that

You will live in the hearts of all of us
who love you…
For as long as we live.

Lita Poehlman
4/18/81

My beloved father died on April 23, 1981.